s l o w l y b u t s u r e l y 0 0 1.

my self pity rant. (I think I am allowed one)

anyways, being away from someone really opens my mind, my eyes, and closes my heart. Being alone every night left to walk through my own thoughts and I'm left with wondering WHY.

Why did he feel the need to leave for six days.
Why is it wrong if I wanted to go.
Why can't I see him happy without me.

that's what MY problem is.
I am so completely selfish sometimes, I envy that he can be completely fine and happy without me. (I'm pretty sure it's a mental issue I need to work on). I'm jealous that he's having the time of his life, drinking, adventuring, and I am crying because I miss his voice, I miss his touch, his silliness, his sassy-ness. I miss his laugh, his complaining when I wake up too early. I miss it when it tickles me (even if it hurts because he doesn't know his strength).

The trip is only 6 days long. It's so minor compared to college, being away from each other for months at a time. But then I was living with friends to keep my mind off things, I was going to school and kept busy. Now, when I'm injured, I can't hike, can't play sports, can't work out, I'm a 50 minute drive from my friends. I'm literally stuck in my own thoughts, sinking in them and letting it overwhelm me. 

I know I am being a debbie downer but if roles were reversed I think he would feel the same way. I mean we're in different countries and a 6 hour difference, we rely on wifi to communicate.  I can only imagine how he would feel if I was in another country, adventuring, drinking and having a blast with my friends and only able to talk to him through messages, if there's wifi....

maybe I'm not strong enough to just not care if he's safe, if he's okay. Before I thought it was always a good attribute to have, that I CARE about his safety, his health, his well-being. But now obviously in this day and age, maybe it's "smothering". I may not be "strong" enough but I am insecure enough to think that he might meet a skinnier, prettier, more "care-less" person when he's with his friends. lets look at it this way, he's the most handsome, amazing, loving person I've ever met. But sometimes it hard to see what I bring to the relationship.

It's something I need to work on.
slowly but surely.

c h e e r s

I've never been the best writer but I always wanted to express my thoughts to share with people. We're all on this earth, going through similar situations, and instead of making the same mistakes why don't we learn from our peers. Read or listen to their stories, learn from it and believe in it. I know some people need to make the mistakes and that's the only way they'll learn but I figured for me, I can share my stories, my inspirations, my hopes and dreams to hopefully help someone not make the same mistakes. 

soooo, here's to a blog. 

L O V E l o v e,
b r i l e a